Now this is what I call Anglican Patrimony. Many years ago, we had humour, and sometimes we didn’t take our religion very seriously…

This is taken from Gordon Reynolds, Full Swell, Novello 1972.

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PHRASES IN CONSTANT USE

Some of these phrases are used by the organist. He may use them to the choir, to the clergy, to his assistant, to himself even. Other phrases are commonly used to organists by anybody who can catch him in one place for ten seconds. We leave it to the reader to decide who would be likely to use each one, but it will be abundantly clear that most items in the list were either engendered by a crisis or precipitated one. Crises occur, in the world of organists, at such frequent intervals that anyone contemplating joining the profession would be well advised, for a start, to read through this chapter. If he can see nothing funny there at all, he is made of the right stuff.

Anybody seen my psalter? The psalter in question disappears as the choir are lining up to go in. The owner is always desperately anxious, because of the personal nature of the markings he has made in it. Although no one ever has two psalters, the missing one is never found.

Bring me my chant book. I left it on the piano. Only a man of iron nerve can survive the waiting period which follows. Only a saint can cope with the answer, brought ten seconds before the Venite is due, ‘It isn’t there.’

Could I just peep at the console for a minute? This is a prelude to the latest lunch since the last visiting preacher came.

Don’t slam the door. The lock sticks. Have you ever sat, boiling with helpless indignation, while the choir sing at half speed the anthem you were supposed to conduct?

Every job has its little difficulties. Do not answer this, whoever says it. Just count up to ten and go home.

Finally… Don’t switch the blower on again yet. There is usually a long recapitulation.

Give me a note on a very loud stop. I’m deaf in this ear. So you have about ten minutes to survey the tempting battery of possibilities, you coward!

Herod was a splendid chap who had a brilliant idea. Remember, though, that the alternatives you have in mind might not be all that young.

Is there any reason why …? Any question with this beginning is rhetorical. It always spells trouble, and the best thing is to have something handy like ‘Your zip seems to have stuck.’

Joking apart… Sentences starting like this are used in answer to any suggestions relating to the spending of money.

King’s sang it differently. Send him a single ticket to Cambridge at Christmas.

Let us keep a moment of silence. Push in all stops. Lift feet clear of pedals. Hands in pockets to resist pistons and Nigroid tin. Look other way if assistant about to whisper.

My soul doth magnify. Try to get a little pause after ‘My’, so that they don’t sing ‘Mice ‘ole’.

No pause at the commas, please. Say it twice to begin with. Then let them sing a verse before you say it again.

On Tuesday next… Dog-collar for ‘Next Tuesday…”

Please, sir, Adrian’s been sick. Send for the verger, look at your watch and vanish upstairs.

Quite quiet. Only a layman can make this phrase sound like two different words.

Repeat! Repeat! Repeat! You can’t say this to your turner-over more than three times before it is too late. Learn to improvise while he is retrieving the upside-down music from your lap.

Shove in ‘Great to Pedal’. There is only time to say this once before the pedal part obliterates the next few pianissimo bars (or not, if he got the message).

Turn! Turn! Turn! Said at half-second intervals immediately after a fiendish head-nodding session. If your assistant is looking over the edge of the loft at the time, you are almost certainly about to become a composer.

Up! Shout this as loud as you can at the boys just before they come to music of any altitude. Trebles the world over instantly sing the right notes with beautiful tone, often from the wrong page.

Vanish! The only reasonable thing to say to any boy asking an unanswerable question.

Watch! Used when you want to conduct. Explain it by saying ‘I don’t want to know the time. I only want your attention’.

You forgot to play when they brought up the collection. The only answer is ‘I didn’t. I was making a rough estimate when it went past the mirror.’

Zadok the Priest. Say it twice, and then ‘I played the whole of that introduction right for the first time in my life. And where were you? I’ll try again, and if you don’t come in with Zadok the Priest…’